Diary of a Hustla

Playas, playas, playas. I'm coming at y'all with a family-sized jug of the sweet nectar that is my brain juices. Drink up. We're about to throw one down on Dice Gay as the first game of our sweep against the Red Sux, so I figured I'd give y'all playas a little bit of analysis you won't be getting on Baseball Tonight (R.I.P Harold Reynolds - you still my dawg.).

Let me get this off my chest first: I'm so fucking amped for this series that I haven't slept in three nights. Every time I try to get in bed, I just think about beating the Sux, and I start beating my chest and howling like a fucking gorilla. Silverback, son. It's on like Donkey Kong.

We got that half-man, half-beast lefty Andy Pettitte going against the Sux tonight, and you know he's going to make sweet left-handed love all over their bats. I don't care if he is from Texas, when C. Piddy's on the DL, A-Bomb is our ace. Don't get too much shutout sauce on your faces, Sux fans.

How am I so jacked-up with confidence? The Sux are starting Dice-Gay. At this point he's made four starts in the Major Leagues, so we know what he is: a .500 pitcher with a 4.00 ERA. Sorry, Dice Gay, if I wanted to win half of the time, I'll bet on coin flips. F'real, I do that with my nephew Reid when we get bored. Dumb little bastard always takes tails.

And really, 6 walks in 27 innings? How do you even take your paycheck in good conscience, Dice Gay? I don't know how to say "strike zone" in Korean or whatever, but you need to find out how to say it. Then you need to find it. It's called command: all the good pitchers here have it.

Then there's the homers. Dice Gay, you've given up two. Already! You're on pace to give up like 18 or 19 this season. Pa-fucking-thetic. You gave up a jack to David DeJesus? He couldn't hit one out on me if he stood on the warning track to swing it. I bet the Sux are wishing they'd saved that $103 million and just bought a giant cookie. Or a teeball stand. At least they'd get some groundball outs that way. (And f'real, y'all, I once saw Troy Glaus strike out looking against a tee.)

So sorry, Dice Gay, you'll be the fourth-best Asian pitcher in the ball park tonight behind Chien-Ming Wang, Kei Igawa, and C. Piddy after he eats a fat plate of spring rolls. No shitting y'all playas, one time I got juiced and ate like 93 of those bad boys in a row. Y'all can ask my boy Chad; he was there. He dared me to hit the century club, but I almost got arrested, so I stopped at the 93 spot.

Damn, now C. Piddy's hungry like the fucking wolf. I gotta get my meal on in Chinatown before I go to the park. I wish they still let us eat dogs. AA-OOOOO!!!!

Before I bounce, let me give y'all playas some gospel so you can lay some sweet cabbage on C. Piddy's scripture: Yanks 15 - Sux 0.

PEACE.

P.S. Five minutes left on this sweet-ass U2 edition iPod auction on eBay. Used in like-new condition, just like my di-yock. Buy it now, ladies.

P.P.S. NFL Draft's this weekend. My agent said something about the Lions taking me in the fifth round. I ain't played much since Pop Warner, but if that happens, I'm only making one guarantee: 2008 Pro Bowl. What position? Doesn't matter.