Saturday, April 21, 2007

99 Problems but a Pitch ain't One

Playas. Playas. Playas. Whattup?

I'm sure y'all watched that wack-ass game last night and now you're wondering about whether C. Piddy really spits scripture at you when he makes his guarantees. Well, Dice-Gay and the Red Sux got lucky, as I'm about to discuss. First, though, let me give all y'all what you want: a pitch-by-pitch recap of Dice-Gay's first start against the mighty Yankees.

Pitch 1: Shitty as balls.

Pitch 2-108: See pitch one.

How do you give up six earned runs and still have the decency to call yourself a professional athlete in any language? I dunno what the conversion rate is from Japan or whatever, but 6 ER over on our side of the universe is a lot.

Basically he got lucky that we had to start some scrub-ass rookie (I don't even know his name), who gave up back-to-back-to-back-to-back homers to the Sux. For real, they gotta let me pitch even with this injury. No more joking. Underhand, side arm, left-handed, it doesn't matter.

See, Dice-Gay, what you don't get is, it doesn't matter if you can throw eight pitches when they all suck.

For example: Your gyroball? It's just a slider. I'm not trying to be a dick or nothing, but you can't just make up a new pitch by renaming your slider.

Hell, I'll start calling mine a dick-steak, then. Can't you just imagine Joe Buck talking about my nasty dick-steak in super slow motion, how it dick-steaks away from the K-zone leaving the batter confused, alone and embarassed? But I can't. It doesn't work like that.

Although, since we're talking about new pitches, I gotta keep it real with you playas, so I'm going to give y'all a big plateful of scoop to chew on: I've invented a new pitch.

When I come off the DL, as soon as my whatever feels better, you're balls are gonna get hard just thinking about it. It's called the megapitch, and it's absolutely unhittable. I can't tell y'all too much yet, but picture this: it starts out like a 112 mph knuckleball, right? Then breaks like a curveball. No big deal, but this is the mega-twist: it then breaks like a dick-steak. Oh, and I can throw it with both hands. Plus, I get so amped when I throw it that I roar like a lion as it leaves my hand. King of the jungle, motherfuckers. Woof Woof.

Anyway, shitty road trip overall so far, but now we're headed to Tampa Bay. That ain't so bad, the hotel we stay in has the X-Men arcade game in the game room. I'm going to try to beat it as Dazzler this year; I've been saving my quarters for like a week.

So yeah, we got swept. Congratu-fucking-lations, Red Sox fans. You beat us three times in April while our best player was on the DL. That's like the time I wrestled a grizzly bear to death over Spring Break after a buddy of mine beheaded it. RIP Fuzzbreath (That's the name of my bro. The bear survived somehow.)

Peace.

PS - Boris Yeltsin died today. I got mad feelings on the subject I just cant quite verbalize them yet.

5 comments:

Jake Hurwitz said...

dude, the megapitch is so core.

Dreamboat Baby said...

Your confidence reminds me of my father, who recently saved the entire african continent.

you may one day be a stetson man.

Cheese said...

Chase Wright seems to be taking a page from C. Piddy's book by naming his pitches also, as Wright has been working on a couple of new pitches: the Eliminator, and the Humiliator; to compliment his fast ball, the Terminator.

The four HR's however looked like the Terminator, only slower. Maybe it was his out-of-stater, or it could have been the Hibernator whatever they were, they were definitely going away for the winter.

I'm guessing Wright will be trading in his sweet cabbage for some rancid dick-steak here pretty soon. Maybe you should let him borrow your ipod, better yet give him one with nothing but Milli Vanilli, you know someone he can really relate to since they could only fake it for so long as well.

Mike said...

If you havin' mound problems I'll come back for you son; I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one; hit me!

Joe said...

Carl had a three year relationship with another guy, christian bedard....they were somewhat open about their relatioship till Carl got drafted....poor christian