Saturday, May 5, 2007

Hey, De La Hoya, Mayweather. I Got Winner.

Whattup playas? Happy Cinco de Trutho. Enjoy some of these Trutho-coladas, and a seven layer burrito with Beans, Cheese, Beef, Whatever Carne is, Guacamole, Salsa and REALITY-sauce.

The last twenty-four hours have redefined "heinous-sauce." That's right: it's not just horseradish mixed with mustard anymore.

First, we got our asses handed to us last night by the Mariners. Don't adjust your eyeballs: you read that right. Kei Igawa pitched like a sucka, and we dropped one to the worst team in the AL West. At one point when Kei was pitching, I saw a shitty Japanese pitcher getting shelled, and I wondered if Dice Gay had snuck into the clubhouse, stolen Kei's uniform, and taken the mound himself, like some Scooby Doo shit or something. After a few minutes of pulling on his face, I realized it really was my boy Kei. So, Kei, if your translator is reading this, sorry about the scratches, playa; you're still nowhere near the worst Japanese pitcher in the AL East.

Whatever, no big deal, I'm used to teams losing when I'm not in the lineup. It's like when my boys have cockfights at home, the chicken whose head we slice off before fight time always loses. Fuck I miss those c-fights. So core.

What really pissed me off is that quack-ass doctor Jimmy Andrews telling me I may need surgery. First of all, C. Piddy doesn't go under the knife. Period. If you need to get in there, I'll tear open my fuckin skin-piece and you can do your shit sans-anesthesia, I don't care. I almost performed Tommy John surgery on myself a couple years ago with my teeth and a diagram I found on wikipedia. Secondly, I'm afraid of needles.

To make matters worse, My boy Cashman had this to say to reporters yesterday: "It clearly hasn't worked out. There's no doubt about that. We signed a player that we expected to be a horse in our rotation and it hasn't worked out."

Cashman, you look like a zombie, but did somebody eat your brain?

You think I'm not a horse!? Shit, I eat more hay than any other fuckin' player in our club house. Bar none. Secondly, I got branded in high school by my boy Garrett. Thirdly in seventh grade I once ran a mile in 1:56 flat. Beat the next kid by like... 500 furlongs. So don't tell me I'm not a horse. Saddle me UP muthafuckas

I'm undefeated this year (1-0) and I haven't lost a game since 2005. I mean, I've heard of unrealistic expectations but I don't know what he wants from me at this point.

I want to clean up this mess, so Cashman, here's the C. Piddy Guarantee. Surgery or not, take me off the DL and I will have a lower ERA than Kei Igawa. F'real, just put the ball on the mound for me. I'll throw it lefthanded, kick it towards the plate, carry it up and past the batter in my hat, it don't matter. There are no rules that state you have to throw the ball.

You want a horse? You're better off by actually purchasing one and starting him over Igawa. Just wedge that ball in between his cloven hoof, put some peanut butter in his mouth and watch him hurl it. I saw a special on Mr. Ed. That shit works.

Cashman, you signed this awful pitcher, and I can clean up your mess. Help C. Piddy help you.

RECESSPEACES!

ps - I saw this phat ass movie on Spectravision playa's. So. fucking. funny. It's called Borat or something and its about this Homo that walks around interviewing people, but get this: He talks like a retard. I was DYING. I keep doing impersonations of him in the lockerroom but I guess the other Yanks don't really get out much, cuz they aren't liking it one bit. I'm all "Hey Derek... HIYEE FIEYYYEEEEV!" Hahhahaha I can't stop laughing.

pps - YOU CAN DO IT!!!! God I love Rob Schneider, where is his Oscar?

2 comments:

Imam Me said...

great blogging...keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

I hate baseball, but your writing's very pleasing to my eyeballs.